In an outrageous, yet entirely predictable slice of celebrity-style justice, super-rich golfer Tiger Woods landed a puny $164 fine plus four points on his driver’s license for his suspicious one-car crash!

Despite slamming his door THREE TIMES over in the faces of Florida Highway Patrol investigating officers, FHP has slammed shut their investigation on him, has reneged on its earlier pronouncement to obtain a search warrant for Woods’ house, and will no longer be seeking access to his medical records. Instead, it has entirely backed off the case, and issued a small face-saving careless driving citation. No criminal charges are to be filed, and any and all hearsay allegations of domestic violence dismissed.

Watch the msnbc video of FHP’s Press Conference from earlier today:

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The super-rich are at it again! Casey Johnson, heiress to the Johnson & Johnson mega-fortune, was arrested today at 12:30 p.m. in Los Angeles for allegedly stealing from a former girlfriend and “hook up” of hers.

The socialite is being held in a Van Nuys jail cell pending bail of $20,000.

Rachel Uchitel, 34, is the current media darling, thrust instantaneously into the limelight of infamy, and she doesn’t like it one little bit … or, so she claims publicly in her BlackBook write-up: “I don’t appreciate my name or what people think of me being dragged through the mud by people who don’t even bother to research what or who they’re talking about … they should research who these stories are coming from, who they’re believing as a credible source. Not to mention that it’s in the ‘National Enquirer.’”

To aid her cause and, no doubt, to take on the massively powerful and private Tiger Woods‘ camp, Uchitel has enlisted media-savvy maven, celebrity attorney Gloria Allred, 68. The pair met up Sunday, Nov. 29, at Los Angeles International Airport, after the alleged mistress of Woods flew in from New York. Watch video of her departure from N.Y.:

Watch video of her arrival at LAX:

In an explosive story, the tabloid magazine “National Enquirer” claims, via information supplied by an alleged Las Vegas friend of Uchitel, named Ashley Samson, that Uchitel and Woods have been enjoying a months-long affair. The gossip columns have been ablaze with speculation that Wood’s suspicious one-car accident happened after he fought with his Swedish wife, Elin Nordegren, over the allegation / revelation. Samson, whom Uchitel asserts is not her friend and has met her only twice before, cashed a $25,000 Enquirer check for her info. Uchitel stringently denies any truth to the Enquirer’s story:

“I totally deny the Enquirer story. They did contact me about it, but they didn’t use any of my quotes or any of the information I gave them. They make it sound like I said those things, but it’s all other people saying I said things.”

Uchitel, an accomplished hostess in upscale nightclubs, ranging from New York to Las Vegas, is presently employed as Director of VIP Operations for Pink Elephant in Southampton, The Hamptons. She started her career in 2002 as a television producer at Bloomberg News, before heading to Las Vegas in 2006 to help launch Tao nightclub and restaurant, which became the world’s top grossing venue. Then she returned to New York as VIP Operations boss of the salubrious Stanton Social, Marquee, Tao Bistro, Dune, and others.”

She appeared on the cover of “The New York Post” clutching a photograph of her fiancé, James Andrew O’Grady, 32, who had been killed in the World Trade Center by the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

She has dated a famous baseball player, a Broadway star, a musician, and various film and television actors, but her lips are sealed on revealing details, choosing instead to let the tittle-tattle rags run rampant and potentially awry with tell-tale yarns from possibly dubious sources, and – of course – hiring an omnipotent feminist lawyer renowned for her media control techniques.

Allred, on her website, is self-described as “most famous woman attorney in the nation,” and is a time-served master-manipulator of transforming publicly berated women into sympathetic victims of a sexist male-dominated world. Her clients include Carrie Prejean the self-righteous and disgraced former Miss California caught in homophobia and sex tape scandals; Amber Frey who was girlfriend of married murderer Scott Peterson; Heather Mills who was the media monster of the day following her much publicized divorced from Paul McCartney; Paula Jones who sued Bill Clinton for sexual harassment; and she represented the Nicole Brown Simpson family during the O.J. Simpson trial.

Uchitel recently was linked romantically to Los Angeles based married TV actor David Boreanaz, who plays Angel in teen supernatural drama “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” and lead role in the spin-off television series “Angel.” He is also co-star of the crime-comedy-drama “Bones.”

She married her former childhood friend, Wall Street trader Steven Ehrenkranz, in 2004 at Cipriani in the Flatiron District of Manhattan, New York City. Just four months later she sought a divorce and headed back to Vegas, where she owns a pad in the ultra-luxurious Turnberry complex, a block from the Strip. While there she jumped into the life of another childhood friend, wealthy and powerful nightclub owner and promoter Jason Strauss, 35, who gave her the job of running Tao’s VIP door – he co-owns the popular spot.

A source who attended Uchitel’s and Ehrenkranz’s wedding says Uchitel has a “history of being with married men,” and described her as being “self-destructive.” Meantime, the Enquirer is hitting back at her claim to not know Samson well, by issuing pictures snapped on a recent vacation they took together in Spain (see below, Samson is the blonde on the left, and Uchitel the brunette to the right) and promises to expose “a slew of contradictions” between her denials and their article. [Digital Cheeseburger, however, would like to point out that the photos below are undated, so we cannot confirm their age or whether they are the result of Photoshopping.]

Hear the 911 call made by a neighbor of Tiger Woods following his suspicious one-car crash.

Amid growing scandal, golf champ Tiger Woods has pulled out of his own golfing tournament, “2009 Chevron World Challenge,” which is to be held at Sherwood Country Club in Thousand Oaks, Los Angeles, California, beginning Wednesday, Dec. 2, and running on through the weekend. He cited injuries sustained in his suspicious one-car crash as reason for canceling. He added:

“I am extremely disappointed that I will not be at my tournament this week. I am certain it will be an outstanding event and I’m very sorry that I can’t be there.”

Meantime, Woods’ alleged mistress, nightclub hostess Rachel Uchitel, flew from New York to L.A. yesterday, Sunday Nov. 29, to meet with her newly-appointed attorney, celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred, to discuss the next move in this escalating crisis in Team Tiger’s privacy-paranoiac camp – his yacht is even named “Privacy.”

Watch R&B singer Beyonce perform music track “Video Phone” featuring Lady Gaga:

Oscar-winning film director, Roman Polanski, 76, when released on $4.5 million bail in a few days for his 31 year-old U.S. arrest warrant for child-rape, will enjoy freedoms unparalleled to his recent stay in a Zurich jail cell.

Although he cannot leave his Alpine chalet, named “Milky Way,” (*pictured above) Justice Ministry spokesman Falco Galli announced, “He will have no prison regime. He is completely free to determine his daily schedule. It’s also up to him to get in food and other supplies.”

Polanski will have unlimited telephone, e-mail and Internet access; can have friends over, and can throw parties. He will, however, be electronically monitored and have his phone calls recorded.

Hollywood luminaries petitioned against his arrest in September when attending Zurich Film Festival to receive the Golden Eye award for lifetime achievement. Among those that signed were Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, Salman Rushdie, Harvey Weinstein, Tilda Swinton – even celebrated novelist Robert Harris wrote an opinion-editorial in “The New York Times” about it.

A Swiss court has yet to make a ruling on whether Polanski will be extradited to Los Angeles, California, to face sentencing on his crimes of three-decades ago.

Watch an MSNBC video report from September 30, 2009, featuring Polanski’s ex-sister-in-law Debra Tate, sister of his Charles Manson Family-murdered wife, actress Sharon Tate:

*(Photo: FABRICE COFFRINI/AFP/Getty Images)

Actress Pamela Bach, 47, ex-wife of the troubled David Hasselhoff, was arrested Saturday, Nov. 28, for driving under the influence.

She was stopped by the California Highway Patrol at 8:03 p.m. in San Fernando Valley, Los Angeles, and booked into LAPD’s Van Nuys station at 9:30 p.m. for DUI and released after posting $15,000 bail. She admitted to officers that she’d been drinking while out to dinner with her daughters, and is due to appear in court on December 24. Bach is no stranger to the system, she was arrested in March this year for felony DUI.

TV actor David Hasselhoff, whom we reported earlier as suffering seizures following a days-long alcohol binge, has been placed on involuntary psychiatric hold in Ceders-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. He will be detained for a period of 71 hours for psychiatric analysis under the California Welfare Institutions Code 5150, which is mandatory in California for anyone appearing to be a danger to themselves or to others. Singer Britney Spears, and “The O.C.” actress Mischa Barton, were both recently subjected to this law, also.

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Maybe David Hasselhoff needs fitted into one of this funny “WARNING – DRUNK” T-shirt. Buy “WARNING – DRUNK” T-shirts & Gifts HERE!

Golf champion Tiger Woods, 33, crashed his Cadillac Escalade into a fire hydrant and neighbor’s tree as he pulled out of the driveway of his $2.4 million mansion in the Isleworth gated community subdivision of Windermere, Florida, at 2:25 a.m. EST on Friday, Nov. 27, according to the Florida Highway Patrol. His smashed SUV is pictured above (source: WFTV in Orlando.) The “semi-unconscious” Woods, bleeding from “lacerations to the upper and lower lips” was transported to Health Central Hospital, and released shortly thereafter (quotes in reference to Windermere Police Chief Daniel Saylor’s interview with CNN.) Police Chief Daniel Saylor, went on to add that Wood’s Swedish wife, Elin Nordegren, smashed the SUV’s window with a golf club to get him out.

Police (pictured left) arrived today at Woods’ house to interview him and his wife about the incident, but were turned away and told to return tomorrow (Sunday.) In a statement, Sergeant Kim Montes of the FHP’s Orlando division, said “The Florida Highway Patrol has received information that Tiger Woods and his wife were not available to be interviewed … This is still an ongoing crash investigation.”

The crash follows hot on the heels of allegations of infidelity in scandal magazines, “National Enquirer” and “Star,” involving Woods (pictured right with wife, Elin Nordegren) and New York clubber Rachel Uchitel, 34, (pictured left) who has since denied the rumored affair. The gossip columns are rife with musings over Nordegren possibly having scratched and injured the fleeing Woods, after their fighting over his reported fling with Uchitel, then diverting his attention while driving away by smashing his SUV’s rear window with a golf club, causing him to have the traffic accident.